Adult jokes

Why do men have 2 heads and women 4 lips?
Cause men do all the thinking and women do all the talking.


▶ Whats the hardest part of a vegetable to eat?
The wheelchair!


▶ What can turn a fruit into a vegetable?


▶ Whats the difference between a white owl and a black owl?
A white owl says, “hoot, hoot” a black owl says, “who dat, who dat.”


▶ What do you call an IT teacher who touches up his students?
A PDF File.


▶ If women with big tits work at Hooters, where do women with only one leg work?


▶ Why doesn’t Tom Cruise eat bananas?
He can’t find the zipper!
What did the sign on the door of the whorehouse say?
Beat it, we’re closed.


▶ Did you hear about the paparazzo who was found eating unborn children?
He was found in the abortion clinic bins looking for the inside scoop.


▶ What do you get if you cross a gay midget with a vampire?


▶ Whats long hard and full of seamen?
A submarine.


▶ Who was the most well known Jewish cook?


▶ Whats the hardest part about eating a vegetable?
Putting her back in the wheelchair when your done.


▶ Why can’t Jesus eat m&m’s?
Because he has holes in his hands.


▶ Why Are crippled people always picked on?
Because they can’t stand up for themselves.


▶ What is Superman’s greatest weakness?
A bucking horse.


▶ What would happen if you cut off your left side?
You would be all right.


▶ Why did the boy fall off the swing?
He didn’t have any arms.


▶ What did One gay sperm say to another?
How do we find an egg in all of this shit?


▶ Why can’t you hear a psychiatrist using the bathroom?
Because the ‘p’ is silent.


▶I asked a Chinese girl for her number.
She said, “Sex! Sex! Sex! Free sex tonight!”
I said, “Wow!”
Then her friend said, “She means 666-3629.”


▶ What do you call two fat people talking?
A heavy discussion.


▶ What’s the difference between roast beef and pea soup?
Anyone can roast beef.


▶ What does a good bar and a good woman have in common?
Liquor in the front and poker in the back!


▶ What do you get when cross a donkey and an onion?
A piece of ass that’ll bring a tear to your eye!


▶ What did the cannibal do after he dumped his girlfriend?
Wiped his ass.


▶ Did you hear about the butcher who backed into the meat grinder?
He got behind in his work.


▶ How do you embarrass an archaeologist?
Give him a used tampon and ask him which period it came from.


▶ What do you call a bunny with a bent dick?


▶ What did the elephant say to a naked man?
Hey that’s cute but can you breath through it?


▶ What do you call a lesbian dinosaur
A lickalotopis.


▶ What’s the difference between being hungry and horny?
Where you put the cucumber.


▶ What do girls and noodles have in common?
They both wiggle when you eat them.

▶ Why did Tigger look in the toilet?
Because he was looking for Pooh.


▶ Did you hear about the African American girl who was quiet during the movie?
She wasn’t.


▶ What does it mean when your boyfriend is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name?
You didn’t hold the pillow down long enough.


▶ What do you call a cheap circumcision?
A rip off.


▶ What’s the difference between a Catholic priest and a zit?
At least a zit waits until you’re a teenager before it cums on your face!


▶ Mommy please make me a sandwitch…
Don’t call me “mommy” just because I slept with your father!
So how I supose to call you?
Like everybody – Steven.


▶ “A daughter asked her mother, “Mom, how do you spell ‘scrotum’?”
Her mom replied, “Honey, you should have asked me last night, it was on the tip of my tongue.”


▶ What did the hurricane say to the coconut palm tree?
Hold on to your nuts, this is no ordinary blow job!


▶ Having sex is like playing bridge.
If you don’t have a good partner, you’d better have a good hand.


▶ What do you call an anorexic bitch with a yeast infection?
A Quarter Ponder with Cheese.

The last Adult jokes

▶ A man is dying of cancer, but keeps telling people he is dying of AIDS.
His son asked Dad why? He answered, so that when I am dead, no one will chase your mum.


▶ Did you hear about the guy who died of a Viagra overdose??
“Yeah, they couldn’t close his casket.”


▶ What’s the difference between a hooker and a drug dealer?
A hooker can wash her crack and sell it again.


▶ Three guys go to a ski lodge, and there aren’t enough rooms, so they have to share a bed. In the middle of the night, the guy on the right wakes up and says, “I had this wild, vivid dream of getting a hand job!” The guy on the left wakes up, and unbelievably, he’s had the same dream, too. Then the guy in the middle wakes up and says, “That’s funny, I dreamed I was skiing!”


▶ Why does Dr. Pepper come (cum) in a bottle?
Because his wife died!


▶ Who was the worlds first carpenter?
Eve, because she made Adams banana stand.


▶ A little boy with diarrhea tells his mom that he needs Viagra.
The mom asks, “Why on Earth do you need that?!”
The little boy says, “Isn’t that what you give daddy when his sh*t doesn’t get hard?”


▶ What do you call a party with 100 midgets?
A little get together.


▶ What do you call an afghan virgin?
Never bin laid on

▶ Why does Miss Piggy douche with honey?
Because Kermit likes sweet and sour pork.


▶ The bible teaches us to love, and Kamasutra shows how to do that.


▶ Why did God give men penises?
So they’d have at least one way to shut a woman up.


▶ What is the difference between an illegal immigrant and E.T.?
E.T. eventually went home!


▶ Why can’t Jesus play hockey?
He keeps getting nailed to the boards.


▶ Two cowboys are out on the range talking about their favorite sex position. One says, “I think I enjoy the rodeo position the best.” “I don’t think I have ever heard of that one,” says the other cowboy. “What is it?” “Well, it’s where you get your girl down on all four, and you mount her from behind. Then you reach around, cup her t*ts, and whisper in her ear, ‘boy these feel almost as nice as your sisters.’ Then you try and hold on for 30 seconds.”


▶ How do you get a nun pregnant?
Dress her up as an alter boy.


▶ Yesterday’s news: A blond jogging at the park was rapped.
Today’s news: Hundreds of blonds are jogging at the park!


▶ How do you kill a circus clown?
Go for the juggler!


▶ What’s 6 inches long, 2 inches wide and drives women wild?
A $100 bill!


▶ Why can’t you play Uno with a Mexican?
They steal all the green cards.


▶ A mother is in the kitchen making dinner for her family when her daughter walks in. “Mother, where do babies come from?” The mother thinks for a few seconds and says, “Well dear, Mommy and Daddy fall in love and get married. One night they go into their bedroom, they kiss and hug, and have sex.” The daughter looks puzzled so the mother continues, “That means the daddy puts his penis in the mommy’s vagina. That’s how you get a baby, honey.” The child seems to comprehend. “Oh, I see, but the other night when I came into your room you had daddy’s penis in your mouth. What do you get when you do that?” “Jewelry, my dear. Jewelry.”


▶ Why don’t orphans play baseball?
They don’t know where home is.


▶ How do you tell if a chick is too fat to fuck ?
When you pull her pants down her ass is still in them.


▶ What do preists and Mcdonalds have in common?
They both stick there meat in 10 year old buns.


▶ Girl: “Hey, what’s up?”
Boy: “If I tell you, will you sit on it?”

2018-05-28T19:10:15+02:00 april 24th, 2018|Categories: Funny jokes|0 Comments

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