My last girlfriend had a tattoo of a chameleon.
Well that’s what she said, but I could never see it.
What is loud and obnoxious?
What does your girlfriend and a condom got in common?
If they’re not on your dick they’re in your wallet.
Why is a girlfriend like a laxative?
They both irritate the shit out of you.
What does fucking your girlfriend and cooking an egg in the microwave have in common?
Both end with a loud, annoying sound and a gooey mess to clean up.
How many men does it take to open a beer?
None, it should be opened when your girlfriend brings it to you.
“What is the difference between like and love?”
Answer: “Spit and swallow.”
In an effort to be a gentleman, I stood aside and held the door open for my girlfriend.
Two minutes later she said, “Can you please fuck off while I’m having a shit?”
What’s the difference between a girlfriend with PMS and a Pit Bull?
What is the difference between a Girlfriend and a washing machine?
The washing machine doesn’t follow you around for two weeks after you dump a load in it!
Kissing your girlfriend on the cheek (good).
Kissing girlfriend in the mouth (awesome).
Kissing girlfriend in front of her ex (boss).
Girlfriend: “Go to hell.”
Boyfriend: “I’m sorry, I can’t go to hell. They kicked my ass out. I was caught selling ice.”
Boyfriend: Awww spell it out to make it more romantic.
Girlfriend: I’m leaving you.
Girlfriend : Babe , What’s Your Fav Position?
Boyfriend : When I get on one knee and make
What do you call a musician without a girlfriend?
What’s the difference between a Catholic girlfriend and a Jewish girlfriend?
A Catholic girlfriend has real orgasms and fake jewelry.
My girlfriend said that I’m too immature for her.
I said “If I’m immature, how come I’ve got an Arsfor?”
She said “What’s an Arsfor?”
“Shitting.” I said, and giggled for 20 minutes.
What’s worse than a male chauvinistic pig?
A girlfriend that won’t do what she’s told.
Why did God give men penises?
So they’d have at least one way to shut their girlfriends up.
What book do women like the most?
“Their boyfriend’s paycheck!”
The other night my girlfriend said, “Emo I’m seeing another man.”
I said, “Well, try rubbing your eyes or something.”
Why did God invent the yeast infection?
So your girlfriend know what it’s like to live with an irritating cunt.
Why do women have tits?
So men will talk to them.
Why didn’t the man report his stolen credit card?
The thief was spending less then his girlfriend.
I took my girlfriend round to see my family today.
My wife went fucking mental.
Why are girlfriends like condoms?
They spend 99% of their time in your wallet, and the other 1% on your dick.
Why shouldn’t you lie to your girlfriend when she’s on her period and has GPS?
Because she’s a bitch & she will find you.
Boyfriend: Wanna see a magic trick?
Girlfriend: Sure, babe.
Boyfriend: BAM! You’re single.
“If I were to lay eleven roses next to you, you’d make the perfect dozen.”
My girlfriend said she wanted me to tease her.
So I said, “Alright fatty.”
What do you call a woman made out of garbage?
When meeting your girlfriend’s mother for the 1st time, always push her over to see what your girlfriend’s balance will be like when she is older.
Why is life like a penis?
Your girlfriend make it hard!
My girlfriend told me once that I need to be more affectionate.
Now I have two girlfriends.
After 5 years with my girlfriend, I decided it was time to tie the knot.
Hopefully the gag stays on too and I can finally get some peace.
My ex was an absolute treasure. By treasure, I mean you will need a map and a shovel to find her.
How do you know your girlfriend is getting fat?
She fits into your wife’s clothes.
What do you call a girlfriend with an opinion?
What’s 6 inches long, 2 inches wide and drives your girlfriend wild?
A $100 bill.
Ever since my girlfriend got pregnant a lot has changed in my life.
Like my name, address and telephone number.
Society can never be pleased!
Be the girl his ex girlfriend will hate, his mom will love, and that he will never forget.
The world thinnest book has only one word written in it: “EVERYTHING”.
The book title is: “WHAT WOMAN WANT”.
Your girlfriend is like a meat locker every guy wants to store his meat in her.
Facebook asks what I’m thinking.
Twitter asks what I’m doing.
Foursquare asks where I am.
The internet has turned into a crazy girlfriend.
Girlfriends are like blue jeans.
They look good for a while but eventually they fade and have to be replaced.
Boyfriend: Dear do you know that exams are like girlfriend?
Girlfriend: How funny?
Boyfriend: Yes, they are tough to understand, complicated, lots of questions and the result is always doubtful.
Boyfriend: “Hey babe, you smell that?”
Boyfriend: “Me neither, start cooking.”
Boyfriend: “Life’s a bitch, just like you.”
Girlfriend: “Actually life is short, just like your dick.”
The last girlfriend jokes
It’s bro’s before hoes, not bro’s over your girlfriend.
If your girlfriend complains that you never take her anywhere expensive.
Take her to the Gas Station.
Every girl is a ninja.
It shows when someone touches her phone or her boyfriend.
Boyfriend: Just because you have your period doesn’t mean you can be a bitch.
Girlfriend: Oh well just because you have a dick doesn’t mean you can be one.
Boyfriend: Do you want a kiss?
Boyfriend: Do you remember what I just said?
Girlfriend: Do you want a kiss?
Boyfriend: Yes, if you insist.
Man: “Excuse me?”
Man: “Would you touch this?” (holds out his sleeve)
Woman: “Ok, why?”
Man: “Does that not feel like boyfriend material?”
How do you turn your girlfriend into an elephant?
What did the artist say to his girlfriend?
I really love you with all my art!
What do you call a woman who loves small dicks?
Hopefully your girlfriend.
Girl: I’ve been called worse before.
Boy: Ha, like what?
Girl: You’re girlfriend.
Boyfriend: Amazing world, only 25% boys have common sense, very short figure!
Girlfriend: What about Rest?
Boyfriend: Well rest have GIRLFRIENDS!
What do you call your ex-girlfriend with Pms and Esp?
A bitch who thinks she knows everything.